Heladology: The art of reading ice cream cones

If you’ve ever been on a date with a girl, you know the fastest way to bore them is to start talking science and a sure-fire way to keep them interested is to casually start talking pseudo-science: palmistry, tea-leaves, zodiac signs. Girls love zodiac signs.

The problem is, I don’t know how to do any of those things. I’m illiterate when it comes to palms and tea leaves. Or course I could read-up on them, but that is a lot more work than what I’ve decided to do instead, which is make up my own pseudo-science.

Have you ever heard of heladology? Probably not. I just invented it, right now. It’s the science of reading ice cream cones. (Note: “Helado” is the Spanish word for ice cream. Since a lot of people don’t know that, it sounds the required amount of cryptic and for those that do, you can say that it originated in the mountainous parts of 11th century Castillian Spain. That should make them happy.)

Heladology has two major components:

1) Flavor reading

Flavor reading is the science of inventing something on the spot that sounds existentially meaningful about the flavor a girl has chosen to eat. For those who want to keep it authentic here are some readings I just made up.

Butter pecan: Fate plays a significant role in the girl’s life. Butter pecan is not the most popular flavor, meaning no one chooses butter pecan. Butter pecan chooses you.

Mint Chocolate Chip: Free will is a strong factor in her life’s direction. Mint-chocolate chip is a proper balance between nature (mint) and man-made (chocolate) meaning she’s always in a position to pick the path in her life that is most sensible.

If you would rather keep it light, just say something like, “In the mountains of Castille, the flavor you have chosen indicates that you have beautiful eyes.”

2) Melt reading

Melt reading is the science of inventing stuff to say about patterns of the ice-cream that inevitably melts down the side of her cone. For those who want to keep it authentic here are some readings I just made up.

One drip (long): The drip is a metaphor for the commitment she shows in her relationships.

Three drips (one long, two short): The long drip is the commitment she'll have to her upcoming relationship, the short ones indicate that she has two wonderful kids in her future.

Again, for those who want to keep it light, say something like, “The ice cream is melting. In the mountains of Castille, that means you’re awesome!”

Remember, heladology is an inexact science, in that it is not a science at all. So make up whatever you want. Everything you say is true and has been passed down to you through centuries of troubadors that originated in the rugged parts of the Pyrenees just south of modern Andorra.

Girls will eat it up.